Why My Butterflies are a No-Go This Year

I was so looking forward to a trip to Michoacan this Friday. Every year, hundreds of thousands of monarch butterflies migrate south to the deep forests of Michoacan and hibernate there for a few months, and then make their way back up North again.

I had my trip all planned out since last year. I had told myself, "I'm going, no matter what. I need to see those butterflies again." I imagined myself there every other day and I couldn't wait!... I had asked for the days off, and my boss had approved them. & then I got an eerie feeling. & then I realized that my friend and I are in the process of moving, and that taking 10 days off in the middle of the month when I'm moving, is not the wisest idea.

So I prayed, and I asked God to help me make the right choice. And I heard, "Don't go".

And then I cried. I cried like a little baby. I knew it didn't make sense to go at this moment, and I thought that maybe I could go during Spring Break, but the butterflies would probably be gone by then (they're only there for a few months), and I cried more. And I asked God, "Why do I feel like you don't want me to go-- and yet, I'm crying about it?-- if this is what you want, shouldn't I be happy?" And then I realized: I was in a battle between my flesh and my Spirit, and it was tough.

Some of you might be thinking, "why would you cry over some silly little butterflies?" But you see, I've been fascinated with these creatures ever since I can remember. I remember chasing them around when I was just a little girl (about 4 years old), and they remained a part of my life ever since. They have a very special meaning in my life, they've always have, and now that I am walking hand in hand with Christ, they have a bigger meaning.

Hence, when I planned the trip, I figured that God was backing me up in this trip 100%. But I was getting conflicting messages. I yearned to go, I wanted to go, but something told me not to. I decided to go with my Spirit, and this was tough. I asked God, "You know how much this means to me, why don't you want me to go?"....

And as I sat in my kitchen crying, looking at the cost of my flight, with the mouse pointing to the "Purchase" option, I realized that the last time I went to see the monarchs in Michoacan, was the last time that I had probably made myself happy. I had embarked on that trip on my own, I was on my own, met some great people, and had a fascinating time watching the monarchs for hours and hours. I was blissfully happy. I didn't need anyone's company, I didn't have someone telling me what to do. I was happy & I had made it happen.

For the longest time, I've wished I had wings like a butterfly. Wings that I can soar with, beautiful, glorious wings that I can graze the earth with.

Monarchs are my favorite butterfly, the reason for that is something that is too complex to explain and quite irrelevant at this time, but obviously-- knowing that, you can see how it made my yearning to go a lot more achy. The last time I went, I sat and sat for hours at the top of a small hill watching the butterflies bundle up by the thousands in trees. Others, I saw flapping their little wings slowly, while others fluttered around, some came toward me and were only inches away. I watched closely.

... remembering this made me realize that my desire to go on this trip was based on emotions. I'm going through a "transitional" phase in my life right now, and I yearned to go on this trip because somehow I wanted to go to a place where I was going to feel 'whole' again, a place where I would surely be happy, a place that is my own.

I wanted to go back. Back to a part of my life when I shrugged it all off, where I knew where I was headed and how. Before the trials, before growing up, before the abuse, before... now.

Before now? & then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have God in my life now. And he's changed me, he's transformed me, he's healed me, and loved me in a way that trespasses my pain. I can go back, or I can move forward. I can go back and yea-- probably make myself happy again, or I can let God's love and mercy make me happy. I can go back and stare at butterflies, and find happiness in the flap of their wings, in the color of their mystical bodies, or-- I can let God give me my own wings. I can let God continue to work in me, and show me that He can make me the happiest I can ever be.

The journey that the monarch butterflies takes on every year toward Michoacan is remarkable and one without parallel. And yet, the beautiful butterflies that you see fluttering their wings around are not what once was. Even more so, despite of the fact that God gave these butterflies wings and the ability to soar through the world, they don't. Instead they travel thousands of miles to hibernate, way up high, in solitude. They all bundle up and hold off the cold and long winter months. Even with wings, they know when they gotta sit out....

Through crying to my Lord like a baby over this trip, He allowed me to realize that there's no need to travel thousands of miles anymore to find happiness because He's right here, with me. That there's no more wishing I were a butterfly, because in His eyes-- I am one. I am His butterfly. And he's crying for me to let Him give me a new set of wings, and these are way prettier than those of a monarch, and bigger than those of the 'Queen Alexandria' ;)

I had a choice. Go back & stare. Or stay & become. And I chose to stay.

----- It wasn't my time to go on that trip. Like the monarchs, that I love so much, it's time for me to hibernate. Hold off & hold on to my rock & fortress... My emotions were telling me one thing but God was telling me another. I was making a decision based on desperation. Of course, I still love butterflies, and I will continue to be a butterfly chasing fool until God grants me my last breath here on Earth. And I'm sure that at some point, God will say, "Go on, mija" and He'll allow my Spirit to align with my heart and I'll be on the plane ride to Michoacan once again. The difference will be that this time I'll see the butterflies and notice not what I am not, not what I don't have, not what I yearn to be... but what I am with God, what I have with Christ, and what He yearns for me to be.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17